verb : to reduce (an object) to useless fragments, a useless form, or remains, as by rending, burning, or dissolving; injure beyond repair or renewal; demolish; ruin; annihilate.
Destroyed. This was my word. This word was my identity. This word defined me. This word is how I described one of the most tragic things that ever happened in my life. It was my go-to word when I found myself talking about what happened to me. This small, seven letter word that I let roll off my tounge, had managed to have power over me. And I was the one who allowed it. I was the one who spoke it. I was the one creating a reality that was nothing but a lie.
Most of you have heard my story. (And if you haven’t, ask me!) I am not ashamed to share anything about myself, my life or my past. Because it is in the transformation, in the work of Jesus, and where I have been, and who I was, that people can see that God truly exists. And all I can say to anyone who is a skeptic (like I was)…until you have an encounter with Him (as I did), I understand how it may be difficult to truly believe…but all you have to do is seek Him out. Ask Him to show Himself. I promise you, He will.
You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. Jermiah 29:13
With ALL your heart. That is the key.
I never sought God with all my heart. I never thought I needed Him that bad. I was mistaken. I floated around this world, in my own bubble…and not a happy one. I was lost, felt alone and felt abandoned by people I loved… and I suppressed those sad, empty feelings with food, unhealthy “relationships” and emotionally abused anyone who tried to be close to me because I just simply did not trust them. I was a horrible, miserable and insecure person. I had no safe place to run to. No one person I could trust with my true feelings. No refuge whatsoever as I struggled just to keep my head above water. And I physically felt like I could not breathe. Between nightmares and anxiety, I was emotionally wrecked.
Then something beautifully tragic happened. And I can say that now, because I am on the other side of the pain by the grace of God.
This beautifully tragic thing that happened put me on the floor. Literally. Curled up on a cold bathroom floor. Physically in pain from the heartbreak. I had spoken that little seven letter word so many times, it was manifesting. (And there is so much power in our words!) I was in fragments; in ruin. And it was putting an end to my existence. And with all the shattered pieces of my heart, I sought help from a higher power. Because neither myself, nor anyone else who tried to ease my pain, was successful.
Hopeless, I cried out to God. And at my weakest. At my lowest. At my most broken. My heart wept for help and He showed up. I encountered the Holy Spirit right there. A touch, a peace, an overwhelming wave of warmth like I have never felt.
That is when I was introduced to a new word…
verb : to give back (someone or something that was lost or taken) : to return (someone or something) : to put or bring (something) back into existence or use. : to return (something) to an earlier or original condition by repairing it, cleaning it, etc.
And after you have suffered a little while, the God of all grace, who has called you to his eternal glory in Christ, will himself restore, confirm, strengthen, and establish you. 1 Peter 5:10
Of all the opinions. Of all the advice. Of all the words that fell upon my ears during this time, it was the divine Word of God that penetrated, healed and made me whole again. It was His Word that made a liar out of that other little word.
I am not a “useless form”, I am fearfully and wonderfully made (Psalm 139:14). I am set apart ( Jeremiah 1:5).
I am not going to be left as burned remains. I am promised to gain beauty from the ashes, and given joy instead of mourning (Isaiah 61:3). I am delivered from the fire (Daniel 3:17)
I am not lost, alone or drowning or beyond repair or renewal. He is near to me, He restores my soul and leads me beside still waters (Psalm 34:18, Psalm 23:3)
I am a blessed, child of God with purpose. Clean, forgiven & redeemed.
I am whole.
I am free.
I am loved.
I am resurrected.
For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope. Jeremiah 29:11
The only difference between myself and you out there (whose life is in torment, who feels you have no one or no where to run, or you are drowning and can’t be saved)….is Jesus. He is your refuge. He is your safe place. He is your Savior.